talk with andy - edition 2
Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru

As the resident therapist at the online LGBTQymru magazine, I'll be answering your questions on mental health and life. Here's my column from the second edition. You'll also find links to read the magazine in full below.

In response to Covid 19 lockdown, and in the absence of any other all-Wales on-line Pride events, LGBTQYMRU formed to bring about the first-ever Wales-Wide Virtual Pride. The team went on to establish Wales' first online magazine for the LGBTQ+ community. It's a completely bilingual publication available in Welsh and English.

You can subscribe to the free magazine by clicking here SUBSCRIBE. You can also read the second edition by clicking here READ NOW

If you'd like to submit any questions for the next edition email: magazine@LGBTQymru.wales

Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru

ANSWER: You are not alone with this. There are many aspects to a HIV diagnosis that go beyond any medical intervention. Dealing with the emotional, everyday aspects can be challenging, and of course can have a detrimental impact on your mental health.

There's no one definitive answer to your question as there are so many variables to be considered. You may want to think about how you view this new relationship; can you trust this person; are you and your partner using condoms; is your partner taking prep; do you know your partner's status; is your CD4 count healthy; is your viral load under control. Running through these questions should get you closer to your answer.

Choosing to tell a new partner is a choice - it's a balancing act of your right to privacy and being upfront and honest. There's no law in the UK saying you must tell a partner your HIV status, although there are laws around reckless transmission in both England and Wales. This means that should a partner contract HIV, as a result of unprotected sex, and they were unaware of your positive status, you could be prosecuted.

If you're on antiretroviral medication with a suppressed viral load, and you're adhering to taking it, the medical evidence tells us that you cannot pass on HIV. Remember, you have a virus, so don't ever feel that you must apologise for being HIV positive.

I do understand that being open and honest, especially at the outset of a new relationship can be important. There can be a fear around rejection, and a partner not understanding what it means to be HIV positive in 2021. Most stigma originates from a place of lacking in knowledge. You may be more informed than your partner, so you can help broaden their understanding or you may find them able to teach you a few things too!

If you do choose to tell your partner, make it simple, you don't have to share your whole life story. Tell them what feels comfortable for you at that point - you can always add more as you get to know each other, and your confidence in the relationship grows. Encourage them to ask questions, and you could direct them to the Terrence Higgins Trust website THT, where you can find a wealth of useful information and resources on living with HIV.

Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru
Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru
Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru
Andy Garland Therapies - Counselling Cardiff - Mental Health Services Cardiff - Cardiff Therapists - Talk With Andy - LGBTQymru

ANSWER: I can understand how important it is for you to be identified in your correct gender, especially after coming-out, which can be an emotionally tough experience. The coming-out bit can seem for some, like the last piece of the jigsaw, although there's still a whole load to complete before you get near to seeing the full picture.

It sounds from your question that your mam is really trying, and you can see that. You may have had several years to realise and accept that you're transgender. You would've learnt all the terms, labels and lingo. You may have met other transgender people and belong to a community that have similar experiences to you, and have felt supported by them. When you tell a parent, their journey starts at that point - they have lots to learn and accept.

Very few parents imagine that their child could be transgender, even those that question their child's gender expression can be confused, angry and upset. You may have seen some of this present itself in the days, weeks and months after coming-out.

Being referred to as your mam's son is confirmation of your gender, and I get that. I remember after coming out to my parents, and the initial, 'what will the neighbours think' conversation, my mam would introduce me to her friends as 'my gay son'! It did feel uncomfortable, and I recall giving her the side-eye, though she was doing her best to be accepting, and finding her way in a world that she knew nothing about. So, what you think is not fully accepting could be your mam's process of learning, and maybe even pride in you, her son.

You could help your mam by encouraging her to ask questions, and allow her to make mistakes. Just like my job as a therapist, working with gender identity issues doesn't make me an expert - I have no lived experience of being transgender, and sometimes I'll make mistakes. The important part is that we correct our understanding and respect what it means to be a transgendered person.

There's a great charity called Mermaids, and they support both the child/young person and their parents - you're possibly older than a young-person, though the advice for parents is very informative and helpful. You may be positively surprised at how well your mam embraces these conversations - you've got this!

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